Baby

Today was a baby day.  Things have been so hectic over the past month, and even though some of the activity was related to the adoption, very little of it was related to the thought of an actual baby.  It started this morning when I woke up in the middle of a dream about being pregnant.  I'm somewhat used to the pregnancy dreams, as I used to have them quite often.  However, they've dwindled, and this is the first one I've had in months.  In this dream, I dreamt of going into early labor.  I thought I had lost the baby, and right then I woke up.  Even though I knew it was a dream, there was still a sense of panic and devastation that has stuck with me throughout the day.

Our social worker had sent an email this morning, just to check in.  Trying to shake off this weird dream, I called her back wanting some reassurance and to get a little update.  However, I was really disappointed when I asked and she told me that no one's even made it far enough to look at our profile yet.  We're currently #40 on the list (we started at #56 about 10 weeks ago), and even though birth mothers do get to choose, they look at profiles starting with those who've been waiting the longest. Realistically I know that it has to be incredibly overwhelming to look at 40+ portfolios, and so birth mothers probably do stop after the first 10 or so.  I'm not sure why I thought our profile would be any more special than the others, but it didn't give me the reassurance I was looking for to lift my spirit after that dream.

I worked late tonight, and really just wanted to come home and relax, only to find that some baby things that I had ordered were sitting on my porch.  Normally I would be incredibly excited, as there are few things I love more than getting packages in the mail.  Especially cute baby stuff.  But I wasn't in the mood, so I set the box off to the side, not even opening it.  But eventually my curiosity got the best of me, and I ended up opening it up and setting everything up.

As I was setting it up, I realized that so much time has been spent on baby-related stuff... home study, fundraisers, childcare plans, nursery, etc.  We now have almost every thing we need for this baby... we just need the baby.  Maybe it's time to put the things aside, and start thinking about and praying for the baby.