Attachment

When I talk to people about fostering, I always hear it; "I don't know how you do it, I would get too attached."  To be honest, we don't know how we are going to do it, because we haven't had to send anyone back yet, but it is a reality that we think about often.  I've been learning a lot about attachment, and the importance of kids learning to attach and develop relationships with people.  In a class I recently took, the instructor summed it up by saying that our entire job IS to get attached to these kids, to show them that there are people out there who they can trust and teach them how to have a healthy relationship.  But with that comes all of the emotions.  Holding back our emotions for a fear of getting hurt only hurts the kids in the long term.

So we made the commitment, and now we get to deal with the emotions.  I know that nothing in the system happens quickly, but living it is different than knowing it.  We've had the girls for 8 and 6 months, and nothing has changed.  No progress on their cases by parents, and so we're just waiting for their court cases.  Court isn't until May and June, but we just found out that both cases will be extended another year.  Seriously?!  I get exhausted just thinking about it.  Selfishly I'm dreading another year of visits and paperwork while the parents essentially have free babysitting.  But when I look past myself, I think about the effects that this will have on the girls. Baby J really only knows us as her family.  She does fine with her mom in her weekly visit, but she calls me mom and is way more excited to see us after the visit than to see mom before the visit.  In a year from now she'll be talking, or moreover listening to her mom talk about us and undermine us.

Baby S will continue acting out after visits, sporadic as the parents are.  I'll be the one having to explain to her why mom and dad didn't show up again.  

Yes, I'm a pessimist and maybe the parents will turn things around.  Or maybe they'll stop showing up and shorten the process.  I don't know, but everyone will continue to be affected.

Keragan will also be affected.  We're starting to see the big sister come out, and it's not necessarily the loving, protective big sister all the time.  She is starting to tattle and boss the babies around, and we often have the talk about who is mommy and who is not.  

But I also see the loving, nurturing side coming out.  Her favorite thing right now is to play the Big Bad Wolf with us.  When we get to the brick house and huff and puff and can't blow the house down, she always comes out and says "it's okay, Big Bad Wolf!"  Sometimes she just gives me a hug, other times she brings me food from her kitchen to eat, and today she actually told me that she would be my friend.  It is so sweet and I love seeing that side.

Troy is also working hard to expand her vocabulary.  Her favorite right now is saying "smarts" for hurts.  Anytime she falls or does something, she'll say "ouch! That smarts!"  Of course I laugh every time, so she keeps saying it.  She has a lot of adjectives for food as well... And it keeps expanding. We never know what's coming out of her mouth!  

So I guess we start preparing for another year of uncertainty, while getting more attached to these kids.