help

I've always struggled with asking for help.  I tend to want to do things myself and not let people know when I'm struggling.  I don't know if it's just pride/stubbornness or fear of putting someone out, or something else entirely. Troy is very similar, so it's very difficult for us to ask people for help and we usually end up arguing about who is going to ask until we just avoid it altogether. But this week it became very clear that we need help.  We're exhausted, and I feel like I can't keep up with life right now.
In July when we got the call about baby S, we thought baby J was going home in September or October.  That's a whole different issue about communication (or lack of) on the county's side and our naivety and inexperience, but regardless we thought it would be temporary.  Here we are seven months later with three toddlers less than 2 years apart.  Reality is sinking in and troy and I are realizing that we can't keep this up.  From the moment we started talking about fostering, permanency was burned into our heads.  These kids need stability and trust and every time they change homes they are negatively affected.  I don't want to be the cause of that, but at what point do you have to take care of your own family?  I find myself snapping at the kids and getting exasperated when they fall off a stool that I told them not to climb on in the first place.
I know part of the problem is me.  I'm scared to ask for help.  I am with these kids 24/7.  Even when one is at visitation or school, I still have the other two.  Appointments are horrendous taking all three.  Troy is good at helping when he gets home, but even then if I run to the store or another errand, I still take one kid with me.  I know others do it, and it makes me question if I'm cut out for this.
So I'm starting to reach out, ask for help.  I'm sure I'll chicken out a few times, and I'll probably overextend myself, but I have to start trying.  With that said, if anyone is looking to make a little extra money babysitting let me know! :)  Even just one kid helps, and I'm grateful to several friends who have helped me out this past week.
Further causing me to doubt my parenting abilities, church was eye opening today.  I teach the 3 & 4 year olds, and since Keragan is about to turn 3 I decided to bring her to class to try it out.  She is already in preschool, so I didn't expect her to be shy, but wow.  She was bossing the other kids around, acting like she was in charge!  If it had been someone else's kid I would've laughed... instead I was appalled.  It's funny, I always thought of her as a follower, but apparently I was wrong.  At one point she walked up to 2 boys playing with a toy, put her hands on her hips and said, "boys, that is mine. You can't play with it."  What!?  She had never met the boys and they are 2 years older than her.  She hadn't been playing with the toy, either. They kind of looked at her like she was crazy and I told her to go play somewhere else, but my mind was blown.  She also has developed quite the sass/back talk that has landed her in time out and taken away her tv privileges multiple times.  I guess it's safe to assume we've hit the terrible 2s.
So add up 3 toddlers, one case of terrible 2s, one case of attachment issues, one case of drug exposure, two cases of neglect, multiple (4-5) appointments per week and you get an exhauated mama.  I'm not saying all of this to get pity.  I chose this life, and there are many aspects that I love.  But I'm saying this all to myself to convince myself that it's okay to ask for help.  To admit that I'm human and not the super parent that I try to convince myself that I am.  And yes, maybe it's cowardly to do it online where I don't have to face anyone, but it's a start.