I haven't bought a single thing for the baby.  Not while we were trying to get pregnant, and not even now as we wait for our child.  I have a few things that were given to me, and I have a list from the social worker of things that we are supposed to have on hand right now, but for some reason I can't bring myself to buy anything.  Maybe it's the fear of disappointment.  While we were trying to get pregnant, there were a lot of things that I thought about buying, but Troy was adamant that we not buy anything until we were actually pregnant.  Looking back, it was probably smart, because I would have had a room full of odds and ends that are out of style, or that I don't need.  And maybe they would remind me more of that time of my life than the baby that would eventually use them.

Getting pregnant was not guaranteed.  According to our social worker, adoption is.  During an adoption class that seemed more like counseling (granted, I'm sure I needed it), she urged us to not look at adoption in the same way that we looked at trying to get pregnant.  Once our home study is approved, it's not a matter of if we CAN get a child, it's WHEN we will get a child.  While it makes sense in my head, my heart is still holding onto that fear of yet another disappointment.  But then she urged us to buy the things we need, as in some adoption cases you only get two days notice before bringing the baby home.  At that point my overwhelming need to be prepared kicked in.

On the list of things we're supposed to have on hand is a baby blanket.  One thing I learned while in another adoption classes is that a newborn has excellent sense of smell.  They encouraged us to buy a baby blanket and keep at the top of our bed by our pillows.  When the baby comes, the blanket will smell like us, and it will help the baby get used to our smell, and therefore us.  At first I thought this sounded crazy, but the more I read and hear, the more I like this idea.  

So, tonight Troy and I went to the mall in search for our first baby item - the blanket.  We realized that we had the same type of blanket when we were young (knit with a satin edging), and we both wanted that type of blanket for our baby.  I kept my blanky probably way longer than I should have as a kid, and that thing went through the ringer!  I remember my mom having to cut the middle out where the holes were, and sew it back together.  What started out as a huge blanket ended up being quite small.  And I joke with Troy that he never gave up his blanket, just traded it in for his jacket.  You can ask him about that sometime.  :)  Anyway, we felt that a blanket would be the perfect item to be our first purchase for our baby!

We looked all over the mall, but couldn't find one.  I came home and searched for one online, but I guess they just don't make them the same anymore!  We could have settled for another blanket, and maybe it's just that fear coming over us again.  Not wanting to make that purchase that could lead to more disappointment.  Eventually I'll have to bite the bullet and buy it.  I'm confident that once I make the first purchase, the rest will come quite easily.  :)

On top of all of my baby blanket nostalgia, my mom told me today that my childhood house was torn down last month.  We moved away when I was eleven, so it's not like I lived there my entire childhood, but I still had a lot of good memories from that place.  I had a purple room, with purple shag carpet, purple walls, and purple accessories.  Sounds excessive, but I thought it was pretty cool.  We had the creatively-named "Digging Hole" out back where we spent hours and hours digging in the dirt and pretending that we were going to come out in China.  The long driveway where we would practice for our special bike shows where we would do cool tricks and charge a dollar for our parents and neighbors to watch.  My mom always threw the best birthday parties for us out in the backyard.  And of course the slip'n'slide. 

Troy and I went to Washington DC last summer for a short vacation, so I drove him by that house.  It looked exactly the same as when I moved away 17 years before, and it's hard to imagine that area without the house.  So as I say goodbye to that good old house in Burtonsville, I can only hope that my child has just as many great memories in our house as we did back then.