Learning to trust

God's timing is perfect... I've heard that a lot growing up, but I have a hard time believing it.  Probably because I like to be control.  Trusting someone else, even (or maybe especially) God, takes the control away from me and leaves me helpless.  I hate that feeling, yet that's what this entire adoption experience has consisted of... me having no control over anything.  And you know what?   After months of anxiety and trying to grasp on to the small areas of control that I could, I really feel like I have completely let go of needing to control this adoption process.

After my conversation with our social worker last week, I came away feeling frustrated.  And I felt myself starting to try to take back control... thinking about making a video to make our profile more appealing than the others or having more lenience in what type of health issues we're open to.  Finally, last night I decided that I was being ridiculous and that I just needed to trust.  God has a baby for us, and we're going to get that baby regardless of how much I worry or try to think up ways to make this happen faster.

The part that's a little harder to give up control is finances.  I'm still trying to find that balance between doing everything I can to raise money and trusting God to provide.  Troy and I decided to wait until March to do our next big fundraiser, and I have to consciously remind myself to stop thinking about money.

In addition to fundraisers, we applied for three different grants from non-profits, and should be hearing back in the next couple of months. I wasn't expecting anything yet, however today we got a letter in the mail indicating that we are receiving a grant!!!  I was so excited!  It's about 1/4 of the amount we still need for the adoption, which is more than I was expecting.

As I read the letter, I felt like it was a confirmation of trusting in God's timing.  I expected to feel a weight lift off of my shoulders at receiving the grant, but I realized that the weight wasn't there to be lifted.  I had already given that away...