Wake Up Call

What a crazy weekend.  It started earlier in the week, when I decided to go to MD to visit my family.  I had off on Friday, and Troy was working all weekend.  And the weather was supposed to be nice, which is rare for that area in February.  Friday afternoon, as I was driving back to my mom's after a shopping trip, my phone rang and it was our social worker.  They had a baby for us.

I was in complete shock!!!  I had just talked to our social worker three weeks ago regarding some upcoming travel, and she confirmed that there was very little chance that we would be contacted about a baby who had already been born and needed a family immediately.  She gave us the green light to schedule the trips, so we did.  Not to mention that we don't quite have all of the money we need, we don't have some of the key baby needs, and we had scheduled work plans that would require an immediate baby sitter.  And we would need to pick up the baby in the next 24 hours (which was a 3 hour drive from our home).  Did I mention that I was in Maryland at the time?

I freaked out.  As she laid out the situation and some potential health issues that the baby would have, my mind was racing.  And we had 3 hours to make a decision on whether or not to take the baby.  I couldn't reach Troy for the first two hours.  I called numerous doctors and friends who may know something about the health issues and what kind of care it would require.  I prayed.  I tried to look websites up on my phone in spotty service areas.  But mostly, I tried not to hyperventilate.

This is what we've been wanting for years.  How could so much time thinking, praying and dreaming about this moment lead to so much panic?!  When we were activated with our agency, we knew it could happen any day.  I was foolish to think that it couldn't happen that soon.  Mentally I started working through my list of the reasons we couldn't take the baby, eliminating them one by one.  We had a loan set up for the adoption fees that could be accessed.  I could leave MD right then, get home that evening and leave first thing in the morning to go to the hospital.  We could borrow a car seat from a friend until we had time to get to the store.  My mom could come out to help with everything until we got work things straightened out.  Maybe this is possible.

Once I worked through the timing issues, finally got ahold of Troy, and worked through his moment of panic, we started thinking about the health issues.  None of the people or doctors I talked to had experience with these particular health issues in babies or children, but all of them cautioned us that it could be bad, as the adults they had seen with the condition often had a lot of hospital visits and could potentially even cause death.  It was a small chance, but it was still there.

We were conflicted (and maybe still are a little) about whether it was okay to say no to the situation.  If we had a biological baby with any type of health issues, we would love and raise that child anyway.  We wouldn't debate the positives and negatives of having the child and we would learn how to live with it.  So why was it okay for us to do that with this baby?  Regardless of whether it's our biological child or adopted child, it's OURS.  And we'll love that baby no matter what.  

At the end of the three hours, I had to call our social worker back.  We decided to say no because of the health issues.  It was probably the hardest decision I've ever had to make.  Throughout the years we were trying to get pregnant, each month I felt the disappointment and frustration with not getting pregnant.  While I hated that feeling, this one was much worse.  This time it was something within our control.  And we didn't take the chance.

It's been two days since we made the decision, and I'm still struggling with feelings of guilt and selfishness.  Our social worker was extremely understanding, and told me that the fact that we were wrestling with the decision meant that we were making the right decision by not taking the baby.  And she let me know later that they had found a family for the little baby, and they were really excited.  But it's still a little hard to think that I could be holding our baby right now.

This whole thing has definitely kicked our butts into gear.  I can't put off getting the nursery ready until March as I had planned.  I have to go to the store and buy the necessary things.  Troy has to put together some emergency lesson plans.  We have to find a pediatrician.  And all of this needs to happen soon.  I called our social worker back to find out why we were contacted if we're still so far down on the list (#38), and she indicated that we are actually #2 on the list for a few situations, as we're a little more flexible with health issues and situations.  #2!!!!  This is going to happen, and it's going to happen sooner than we thought.

The decision was made, we can't change our minds.  Instead of second guessing ourselves and feeling guilty, we need to trust that God has the perfect baby out there for us, and this little girl was the perfect match for the family who got her.