Reality

I've started to update numerous times over the past several weeks, but I always end up deleting the post.  It's been a rough couple of weeks for me, and for some reason it's hard to admit.  We talked to numerous foster parents and took all of the classes to become licensed, and we thought we knew what we were getting into, but nothing truly prepares you for the day to day impact of fostering - both on me and the entire family.
The hardest part for me is seeing how it impacts Keragan.  We said that we weren't going to let her needs get pushed aside for the foster kids, but we have come to the realization that it's completely out of our control.  When she has a field trip that is scheduled at the same time as a court ordered appointment for a foster kid, we have to go to court.  When I have an appointment for a foster kid that overlaps when I need to pick her up from school, she has to miss school.  When she wants us to play with her, but a foster kid is teething and throws a massive fit if you set her down, she ends up playing by herself. I had been ignoring it, because I didn't want to admit it to myself, but last week I finally felt it.  She's acting out in different ways, and I'm sure it's for attention.  No matter how good my intentions are, reality is glaring me in the face.
We've started making some changes to correct this, but it's still difficult.  And there are some things that I'll never be able to "fix."  I tell myself that Keragan would have to deal with some of these situations even if it was a new brother or sister rather than a foster sibling, but I really do need to work harder to make sure she knows that we're not leaving her behind.  Even if it makes things a little harder on me.